He went into another rage when I told him I will not sign to borrow more money on the house

Even though my husband and I have been working and making a good living, he still wants to borrow money whenever we we need to spend money on anything we both own. After a while, it was very obvious that he only wanted to sink my side in debts. What I mean by that is that anything we co-own; house, business, etc. he borrowed money against it to deplete it from any equity. On the other hand, if he own anything by himself, business, etc. he pays for it in full. He once bought a business from my family and did not add my name to it, which was strange and I asked him repeatedly to do so but he refused. The reason he did not want to add my name, and I did not know that at the time, was that he could sell and keep the profit to to himself.

You see, my husband has literally taken all our cash that we’ve ever made and hid it. He spends as little as possible, and whatever he spend he always tries to take from me to spend. So when he sold the business and made few hundreds of thousands of dollars, he kept it and hid it in one of his accounts, or a safety deposit box to keep away from me when either one of us files for divorce. He really didn’t want to file for divorce; he enjoyed life as I provide to him especially when all I get in return is anger and rage, which really means in his world that he doesn’t have to do anything back for me as my husband.

So few years back, after I found out that he has borrowed more money on our house than the original purchase price, this is after he had promised me that he would have the house all paid for by that time, I refused to borrow even more money to remodel our kitchen. When he came to me and asked me to sign for yet more loans on the house, something I always did up until that time, I said no. I told him that I do not want to borrow anymore money on the house. He then told me to pay for the kitchen renovations while he knew very well that I do not have the money (remember he takes all my money, salary, expenses, and all), I told that not only I do not have the money but I had already given him all my money.

I told him this while I was standing on the main floor and he was halfway going upstairs. When I told him I have given him all money which is all true but he never wants to admit to it (In case you’re wondering why; so he won’t have to give back), he raged and loudly started screaming at me ” YOU GAVE ME ZILCH, YOU GAVE ME NOTHING”. When I saw him coming downstairs in my direction, I began walking away. He kept coming my direction and was raging and talking very loud saying things like he gave me everything including “Health Insurance” that was always on his mind.

I kept walking out, went to the garage and got in my car and started leaving while the angry raging man was still shouting things my way about how dare me remind him that I had contributed to our life an dour success. When I was walking out, I felt like I was in a war zone and the incoming bombs were coming my way and I had to take cover. I left and by the time I went back home, we were still on not speaking terms as we have been for the past 10 or 15 years.

He told everyone he talked to, that he Paid for my insurance

I want to pose this question to any and all people out there; when you have conversations with people, does the subject of who in your family pays for your health insurance repeatedly comes up? It seems that it does every time my husband is talking with people. He always says, so and so was surprised that I pay for your insurance, or so and so said that he does not pay for his wife’s insurance. I know for a fact that he is the one who always opens this subject up. The fact that he pays for my health insurance irritates him so much that he keeps talking about it. You see, my husband is very smart and calculating, but he is dumb as a doorknob at the same time.

He is smart in the fact that he has for over 30 years now, he’s been planning and working on taking all the money we’ve both made and put hid them where I could never get any of it in case we divorce. He has done that methodically and deceivably by opening so many business entities and each owns percentage of the other. All comingled to show complicated web of money laundering operations to deceive me and if I file for divorce, any lawyer I hire.

At the same time, he his dumb in the fact that every time he moves to tackle the next scheme, that subject comes up in his conversations constantly. For example, the fact that my health insurance is paid for by him through his work, eats him up and he cannot stand that he actually pays for anything that benefits me. For that reason, this subject comes up in his conversations whether the conversation is about healthcare insurance or not. He brought it up when I told him I don’t want us to borrow any more money on the house, he brought it up when he had a casual conversation with my brother, he brought it up when my son brought both us to talk about our troubles few years back, and now this subjects seems to come up all the time.

As smart as he is, he is dumb that he cannot hide his ulterior motive to bring the subject up and for people who knew him well, ME, I know what he is planning to do. If dumping me from his insurance was easy he would’ve done it a long time ago and he would’ve never brought this subject up. The fact that insurances offers a single person option, and a family option irritates the hell out of him. He cannot offer insurance to our son without him covering me too which is why this irritates him and the exact reason why he keeps bringing this subject up.

This man hates me so much that even the fact there is no cost reduction offered to him if he does not cover my insurance, it still kills him to know he is spending a penny on me, HIS WIFE.

We owed more money on the house than the original price of the house

We bought our current home almost 26 years ago. When we first bought it, we didn’t have much equity in it so we financed for 15 years variable mortgage loan because interest rates were considered high at that time. Few years later, we refinanced fixed low interest for 15 years. We were very happy to do so and my husband told me at that time that by the time our son graduates from high school, we’ll have out house all paid for and we’ll own the house completely. We can peace of mind knowing that we don’t owe anything on the house.

Over the years, my husband has been in charge of our finances and we have been doing better and better with work and businesses. Our jobs have gotten better, we bought and sold businesses always with profits, and we had a boost in our salaries after we went to Iraq in 2004 and 2005. All this time, I’m expecting that we would have our house paid for by the time our son finishes high school.

During our son’s junior year in high school, we thought to sell our house since the value had increased and we were thinking about moving closer to town. We called a realtor who lived in our neighborhood to talk to him about listing the house with him, and during some of the questions that realtor was asking us, I found out that we owed on the house more than what we had originally paid for it. We paid $350,000 for the house but 15 years later, we owed $400,000 on it. I was very upset but knew if I mention anything to my husband, I will first, get the rage, the yelling and screaming, and second, will not resolve any of the issues I was to discuss, and third, he will somehow find a way to make it my fault. I didn’t say anything to him but I was very upset.

The next day, my husband came to my room in the morning and told me that he wanted to remodel the kitchen and wanted me to sign on a loan application to borrow more money against the house to remodel the kitchen. I said no.

I told him, while shaking in my own skin, that he had promised the house would be paid for by next year and the fact that we owe more on the house now than when we first bough it, makes me thing he is not being a good financial manager for our family and I will not allow him to borrow any more money against the house. I was very afraid of his reaction but at that moment, I had made up my mind that I wasn’t going to let him do this.

I had suspected before that incident, that my husband was planning on getting rid of me. Maybe divorce me or just get our finances separated completely. What he wanted to do was everything that we owned together, he drained it with debt, everything that he owned alone, was debt free. He was planning to one day, to either divorce me and give me all the debts, or separate our finances completely and I would still have to pay for half if not all the debt. When I told him I’m not allowing him to borrow anymore against the house, I took my first step to stop him from doing this to me.

He told me to move my stuff out of the bedroom and bathroom, The contractor will be here in the morning

More than 10 years ago, when our son was still in middle school. One of his friends invited him to swim in their pool. They also invited me to be there because the mom and I are friends. We went and had a great time visiting with these friends. We came home at about 9 pm, both very tired, and went to our rooms to get ready to go to sleep.

My husband came to the bathroom while I was changing into me pajamas and told me that I needed to take all my belongings out of our bedroom tonight because he had hired a contractor to remodel our master bathroom and the contractor will start at 8 am the following morning.

I didn’t have any time to prepare for this work, nor did I know anything about the remodeling project. He acted alone as he always does. I don’t get a say in anything that goes on around the house. I work, and make half of the salaries that support our household, but I get zero say in anything; I don’t get a signature authority on our checks, no say in spending, have no money to spend, and no say in decorating or remodeling our house. If I open my mouth to object, he would rage loudly which would hurt my son so I stay quiet.

People don’t usually know him and know his character when they first meet him, but some do after a short while. He has a sense about these people and usually makes sure we stay away from them. Few people have been courageous enough to have told me to leave him shortly after they met him. I didn’t because I was either too afraid, didn’t know what to do and how to do it, but mostly, I just wanted to provide my son with the 2 parents home even when that meant I stay quiet.

I had to get outsiders involved so he’ll agree to buying a kitchen table

25 years ago, we moved to the house we own now. we did not want to rush to buys furniture right away, we wanted to take our time and buy the furniture that fits each room. At that time, we didn’t have our son and had time to shop for what fits each room. We did bring our furniture from the house we moved out from and so we tried to fit it to the new house as best as possible. We had wicker furniture that I had bought before we got married that we used in the kitchen in our previous house and we decided to so the same in this house too.

That furniture remained in the kitchen for a long time. We became pregnant the first time two months after we moved to the house, we lost the baby three months later, we then became pregnant again a year later and had our son. Our son was in first or second grade, we still had no kitchen table where a family can sit around to eat a meal. Every time I bring the subject up, I get the usual rage from my husband. A kitchen table does not cost much but my husband cannot fathom spending a penny on anything especially if I ask for it.

By that time, our son was kneeling on the floor to eat a meal. The wicker sofa, where we sat, was much more uncomfortable for him. I was very unhappy that a simple kitchen table we won’t buy because my husband was so unwilling to spend any money.

He has a big problem with spending money, but even worse when I ask for it. The combination of him spending money because I asked for the spending drives him up the wall. The only way I saw was to ask our family friends who have always helped us. They were visiting us and I opened the subject and showed them how our son kneel on the floor to have a meal. They basically talked sense into my husband and we went the following weekend to buy kitchen table and 4 chairs. We started our shopping trip by going to a nice furniture store where my husband liked a $5,000 table and chairs set, but ended up at the discount wholesale furniture place and bought a $500 kitchen table and chairs set. I wasn’t going to complain about the quality of the furniture, I was just happy we got the kitchen table and four chairs so we can have our meals like a normal family.

That table lasted few years until the chairs started to break down. we then took better chairs from my parents house to use with the table. We still have these chairs and the table we bought about 20 years ago.

The First Time our Water was Cutoff

In 2005, both my husband and I were working in Florida on assignments. I was getting ready to come back home so I contacted my previous employer and asked if I could come back to work with them when I’m done with Florida. My employer was happy to take me back and to get ready for that he asked me to attend a dedication project for one of our clients in a couple of weeks. That meant that I would fly in for just a couple of day and go back to Florida. That trip was going to reinstate my job which I was thrilled to have.

The dedication ceremony was going to start at 8 am and it was more than two hours away from where we live. I had made plans with few of my coworkers from the company I was going to rejoin to meet them at 6 am so we can drive together. I came home from Florida very late the night before and was very sleepy. I just changed my clothes and went to sleep.

Woke up at 4:00 am. went to the bathroom to use the toilet and it worked fine when I flushed, but when I ran the water to wash my hands, no water came out. I was very worried, did not know what to do and had no one to call that early in the morning. There was no way I was going to the ceremony without taking a shower. I remembered I was still a member at the health club and thought I’ll have time to go shower there and leave in time to make the event. When I got there, I found out they don’t open until 5:30 am and there was going to be late.

Even though at the time, I had no money and my husband was very bad about even giving me money to live, I had to go to a local motel and get a room just to take a shower. That shower cost me $89 plus tax. I was doing all of this and had no idea why the water was off. I thought there was something wrong with the pipes in our area and the water company was working on it overnight. I thought by morning all will be well, I just got in town at the most inconvenient time.

After I showered and changed, I left and went to meet my friends and while we were in the car heading to the ceremony, I told them about my experience and with the shower that morning. They laughed at the very expensive shower I had to take. I did not want to bother my husband with this story that early in the morning so I waited until around 10 am. I called him, told him what happened and kept telling him this must be the water company’s scheduled time to fix a pipe or a valve or something. He told me he was going to call to check on it. When he said that, I got worried. I thought to myself, can it be that he did not pay the water bill for two months? Is that even possible? Our water bill is no more than $30 per month, and we are making in access of $200,000.00 per year. He cannot be so stingy to not pay the water bill. Plus, the cutoff an reinstatement of the water cost more money than the bill itself. I just would not believe it.

Later in the afternoon when we were almost done with the event, I called my husband again to check if he found out anything about the water. I wanted to know if I should go home or go stay with my parents who lived close by. That’s when he told me that he not paid the water bill and the water company turned it off. I was so embarrassed, had no idea what to tell my friends since they kept asking me about it. I couldn’t stay on the phone with my husband to hear any more of his excuses. I said my quick goodbye while my brain was racing to come up with a believable lie to tell everyone I’m riding with on the way back. Today, after all these years, I don’t remember what I said to them to cover how insensitive man I was married to. All I remember from that day is how bad a felt when I found out how mean self centered my husband is.

All the panic I went through that morning, all the anguish, running from one place to another to take a shower before sunlight, and spending almost $100 that I really did not have because he did not pay the water bill. He was thinking since we were in Florida few months, he can save on the water bills and when I told him I’m going home, he never though twice to reinstate it and spare me the headache. He never thinks of anyone else, just himself.

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He didn’t pay for our son’s School until I threatened to take him out

Our son went to a private school for his elementary school years. The school was very small and the headmaster used to go out in the drop off lane to greet the kids and open doors for them as they go to school every morning. My husband, who controlled our finances, almost always missed paying for school. What that did, is most mornings when the headmaster opened the door for my son and the other kids we carpooled with, to let my son out of the car, then he would peek his head in the car to say that we have forgotten our payment for that month. I usually would apologize to the headmaster and then call my husband to let him know that we have not payed for school that month. The usual response from my husband was a variation of this ” I Know, I know, I’m overwhelmed, I cannot keep up, I’m drowning, I don’t have the money, do you have money to give me?” This always followed by me trying to find out if he going to pay the money and that’s where the conversation goes out of hand. He’ll blow up and starts to yell at me. By the end of that interaction, I don’t know if he’s going to pay or not, I’m afraid to ask, and I’m embarrassed of what I’ll hear from the headmaster the following day.

My husband would not add his name as a contact person for our son’s school because he was always out of town and he worked sometimes in secure areas where he could not receive calls.

This happened repeatedly during the five years my son attended that school. When he went to middle school, we moved his to another private school that was bigger and the school was older than the first one he attended. When my husband did not pay, the school administrator would call me to let me know that we are delinquent and need to pay. The same conversation and the same outcome took place few times, that was until I was not going to take it anymore. The fifth or sixth time we were late in paying our son’s tuition, I brought my son home and started looking what public school we are zoned for, told my son he’ll be going there in the morning because we cannot pay his school’s bill. He called my husband and told him that I was sending him to the local public school, which is a fine school, my husband, being the bully that he is and does not react to anything other than threats, paid that month’s bill and the rest of the bills until our son graduated from high school.

We had the money, and we always did, to pay for the school. He foolishly commits the money and then decides not to part with it. That’s why he never wanted me to have any control over the money. I never wanted to do what I did to actually give him an ultimatum, I did it because I truly was upset and did not want to deal with this monthly calls from the school letting me know we have not paid our bills. I ultimately got what I wanted because he cannot deal with anyone who is not a bully like him. The way I deal with people, especially, my husband, is openly, honestly, and sincerely. I don’t tell him I don’t have money when I do. He is my husband, we’re supposed to be one after all.

Because we each had different way to communicate, he always got what he wanted, and I did not.

Why????

For 32 years now, I keep asking Why? Why do people treat their loved ones badly? Why do good people have to protect themselves and be on alert from the closest people to them? Why, after all these years, my husband could not realize that I loved him and wanted to best for him?

I am naïve, but not naïve to the point of thinking there are no bad people in the world. I Know they exist and some behave badly because of bad influences in their upbringing. But why would people behave so badly toward the closest people in their lives? So what if my husband had some inner problems with his siblings and parents as he was growing up? he still had a nice life, graduated college from England with a computer science degree that had served him very well all his life. None of his siblings reached his career standard and level of life. In addition to him exceeding their level of educations, he also exceeded their standard of living by working very hard and reaching high positions in his jobs and businesses. Why does he still hates them and would never admit it but would love to hurt them and see them fail at their jobs and careers?

He carried these feelings toward the closest people in his life to me after we were married. I think he tried to love me and he thought he loved him but people like him could never love others. After a short while, he settled in the same feeling and treatments to me as he had for his siblings. He could not love someone who stays in his life a long time.

I think this is the reason why he cannot have long term friends. I’ve witnessed him getting very close to people but cannot sustain long term relationships. After a while, I never wanted to get close to the new friends he made because I knew that won’t last and even if I liked them, he’ll do everything possible to ruin the relationship. I could not be friends with people sometimes, and ignore them later. The friends I make will remain either close friends or acquaintances depending of our lifestyles but I don’t turn a friend into an enemy for no reason at all.

He traveled a lot which made it easy for him to make short term friends, his lifestyle allowed it. I, on the other hand, have more stable environment for making friends and keeping them. He complained about his travels constantly, but when he had the chance to stay in town, he refused. I think all of these elements adds up to make a very disturbed hatful and hurtful human being. That makes sense to me, but I do not know why would he be that way toward the closest people to him, the people who want the best for him, and the people who will be with him for better or worse.

At his Mother’s memorial service, he took his visiting family members and went to see a female friend, without me

My mother in law passed away 3 years ago. We went to her hometown for the funeral services. A month later, my husband wanted to have a memorial service in her honor for the people here in our town to pay their respects. My husband has 3 siblings but he is on speaking terms with just one. The one sister who is on good terms with him and her husband came as well as his uncle’s wife, and cousin.

The first day after they arrived, he took them out before I went home from work. When I went home and did not see anyone, I went to the restaurant where our son was working as a bartender. I ran into my husband and all of our out of town guests. I greeted them and talked with them all for a while and was having a good time, when suddenly my husband told everyone, except me, come on let’s go and they all started to leave, without me. My son asked his dad, where are you going? My husband replied “To a friend’s house”.

I stood there in shock. Why would he do this? why would he humiliate me like this in front of his family and my son? When they left, I told my son, if they are going where I think they are going, I will not attend the memorial service the following day.

My husband has made new “friends” a couple who he’s been spending a lot of time with, especially the woman. He’s been going there daily and spending hours with them but he’s having friendlier relation with the wife. He’s been texting back and forth more than many times a day. I knew during all these conversations with her, he’s trying to get her to be close to him by telling her how “unloved he is” That’s always his way of finding friends. He is never unloved, especially not be me, our son, or all my side of the family. Its true that he grew up unloved by his own family, but never by me and mine. His relationship with this woman has become very suspicious.

My son called his dad and told him, not to go to this lady’s house because if they did, all the people who’re going to attend the memorial service the following day will notice that his wife is missing. My husband told my son that they’re not going to go there.

They really did not go there that night, but they did the following night, after the services. This is how my husband deals with everything. Its not about right and wrong, it is all about doing what he wants at all costs. This bully, self centered, aggressive character not only hurt me and our son, but it hurt him too. Ultimately, he will be alone and truly “unloved”.

He told me it’s wrong for men to give gifts to women for Valentine’s day. It should be the other way around

My husband and I were married in January of 1989. I was so looking forward to celebrate our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple. I was looking forward to a romantic date with my hubby and was waiting with excitements for whatever he was going to surprise me with.

I came home from work, he was already home, I hugged him, kissed him, and said ” Happy Valentine’s Day, Love” He reciprocated and said “Happy Valentine’s Day to you too my Love”. I then wanted him to say something about possibly going out, or handing me a flower or a piece of chocolate, but there was nothing of the sort. I did not want to say anything hoping for a surprise celebration, even if not that day, I was hoping on the weekend. Anything!

I went, as usually, to the kitchen, prepared dinner while he changed into casual clothes and we sat down to eat. During dinner, I started the small talk about Valentine’s Day and how big of a business it is. I told him, that I did not care for it before but now that I am married to the man of my dreams, I am so excited to be with him on this day.

What he said next, closed the doors on me celebrating Valentine’s Day for the rest of our marriage, and at that time, it meant the rest of my life. He started lecturing me on the origin of Valentine’s Day. He said that the whole idea of men giving gifts to women is absurd and it should be the other war around. In fact, women are supposed to shower men with gifts according to the intends of the Day.

He then started telling me how he never wants to contribute to the absurdity of what the media and the card-flower-chocolate industry has made Valentine’s Day what it is today and wants to send a message to said industry that he would never participate in the charade. Needless to say, I went to bed that night very disappointed and feeling bad that I as long as I am married to this man, I will never be able to enjoy Valentine’s Day the way all my friends and relatives do.

Here we are 32 years later, I have never celebrated Valentine’s Day, and every year I think of that first Valentine’s Day and how big a let down I felt.